Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your penis caused this!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
