She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
