You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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