We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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