i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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