I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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