shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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