Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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