Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
