i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I cut my penus on the lid.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
