I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
