My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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