Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions