youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
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i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I supernannyed him into submission