your parents love me but you hate me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
