If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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