thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
