You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
