Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
