My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
