I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
