I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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