The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
