i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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