Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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