So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
