i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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