Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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