Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
