I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
