i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
