my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Found your dick twin last night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
