i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
