Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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