totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
