I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
