youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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