then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
