For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
