On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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