How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
