Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
