Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.