she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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