He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.