You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
