my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
