How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
