By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
