Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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