yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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