I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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