I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
