6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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