I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
this will be a night to untag.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
