im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
