i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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