What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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