You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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