did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
