Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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